When feelings of distrust arise, some begin to create more and more restrictions upon the partner, demand more information and make them feel closed in. This often can be the beginning of the end. In all relationships every individual needs time alone, time with friends and of course time together.
When we take away a person’s individuality and freedom to grow, sooner or later the individual feels trapped. Not only does this destroy your partner’s trust and good feelings about themselves, but they can easily grow to feel that there is no way to ever make you secure and happy.
The best way to develop trust is to take a moment to first understand some basic laws of healthy relationships, and what love truly means.
Loving another person does not mean possessing them, or having them there to make you feel better about yourself. This is not loving or respectful of who they are. Instead we are turning them into an object, who exists to meet our needs. We are then, not loving, but using that person.
We all must develop basic trust in our partners and ourselves from within. If a partner is truly not deserving of trust, then tracking their behavior and restriction their lives will not help at all. In fact, it usually makes matters worse. The person simply goes underground, or finds other ways to sabotage the relationship, in order to gain their freedom.
Some individuals are filled with distrust because they never resolve past hurts about being cheated on in former relationships. They then project this hurt and insecurity upon the partner they are with now. A current relationship cannot take away old wounds. Each person must take time and responsibility to work through what happened and the feelings they were left with as a result of it. Sooner or later they must realize that their partner is different and their situation is a new one as well.
If one requires that their present partner take away the pain they are feeling, they are looking in the wrong direction. No matter how loving a person is, no matter how solid the relationship, they cannot take away pain and confusion that exists within oneself. Each person must face their feelings and work them through on their own.
There are many ways to build self-esteem and to feel safe once again. Just as we work out in a gym each day, we need to work on ourselves emotionally to build the strength we need to combat fear and negativity. One exercise that can be used is - to consciously look for the good - both in your partner and yourself. Whenever you find yourself dwelling upon negativities step back, take a deep breath, and consciously choose to focus upon what is good and right in both of you. This will create calm, balance and positivity.
Doing this exercise, becoming calm and positive will not cause you to gloss over reality, but to be able to be focused and even better aware of what’s going on. Needless to say, in cases where the partner does not deserve to be trusted, when there is clear evidence of wrong doing, if you are calm and positive, you will then be able to make healthier, constructive choices for yourself.
A renowned therapist in NYC, Dr. Shoshanna combines the principles of east and west to help individuals and couples discover their inner strengths, engage in healthy communication and build uplifting, satisfying lives both with others and themselves.